Post by Marinas on Sept 3, 2010 2:07:04 GMT -4
(Before I begin, I should probably warn you guys that this post gets the emo seal of approval. Wuuuuuuuunderbar.)
Hi everyone,
You may have noticed that I haven't been around lately. I originally intended to take a week off to collect my thoughts, but that week turned into two weeks, and you know how that goes. The bottom line is that I feel like I should post something to let you know what's going on so you don't feel that I just dropped off the face of the planet.
For those who don't feel like reading my entire post, the tl;dr version is this: I'm leaving the team, and am going to be playing very casually for a while.
There are a few reasons for my decision. The most important one is my depression. I know I've told a few of you about my circumstances already. For those who don't know, I've been struggling with a lot of suicidal impulses lately and have on quite a few occasions come dangerously close to acting on them. To be honest, I have a hard time admitting that I have those feelings the majority of the time because of an instance in my childhood where I told someone I trusted and was thrown into a car and rushed to the hospital. It's a natural reaction for me. Even if I want to say something, I can't because I have a difficult time trusting others. There are so many occasions where I act like I'm happy or like everything's all right; but truthfully, I'm just putting on a facade. I have to do this at work, with my family, and with my friends. It becomes very hard to maintain after a while and is one of the reasons why I've withdrawn from everyone in my life - not just you guys.
The second reason - very closely tied to the first - is my struggle with eating disorders. I believe that I mentioned to one of you (I forget whom) that once you develop one, you're doomed for the rest of your life. Even if you don't have an ED outright, your mind becomes consumed by thoughts of food, by your weight, by how miserable you look in the mirror. It's been a roller coaster battle for me. I went from so anorexic that I'm surprised I survived to binging. I've seen counselors. I've talked to people. I've tried everything conceivable to fix myself, and nothing has worked. Aaron, I know that you're probably getting fed up with my "I can't"s by now, but this is how my mind works. I hope I'll get better. I'll certainly try. But it's going to take time, and I'm not going to bog team chat down with my dirty laundry.
Reason number three is a lot less dramatic: my usual play style simply doesn't suit the team's objectives. I understood the rules and wanted to follow them when I first joined, but - truth be told - I've always been more of a solo player. That's not to say that I don't help people out or even run a random game from time to time. But my play style is different than what you're looking for in the ideal team member. Having team mates is great, and I've loved my time in Sacred. Like I've said, you're some of the best folks that I've ever had the honors of playing with. If you'll have me, I'd be glad to join a Sacred game from time to time to help you out and to chat. But right now, it would be most beneficial to my mental health to pursue the game as the solo player that I've always been, whether in WoW, PSO, or <insert video game here>. It's difficult to explain, but sometimes I need to isolate myself for stress relief. It's just part of who I am.
With all of that said, I hope that no one takes offense to my leaving. You are a great bunch of people and I know that I'll talk to you guys in the future. Maybe I can arrange to give my guild card to some of you. Not tonight, unfortunately, as I am extremely tired and have work in the morning.
I'm sorry again, and I'll hopefully see you all around in game.
-Lauren
Hi everyone,
You may have noticed that I haven't been around lately. I originally intended to take a week off to collect my thoughts, but that week turned into two weeks, and you know how that goes. The bottom line is that I feel like I should post something to let you know what's going on so you don't feel that I just dropped off the face of the planet.
For those who don't feel like reading my entire post, the tl;dr version is this: I'm leaving the team, and am going to be playing very casually for a while.
There are a few reasons for my decision. The most important one is my depression. I know I've told a few of you about my circumstances already. For those who don't know, I've been struggling with a lot of suicidal impulses lately and have on quite a few occasions come dangerously close to acting on them. To be honest, I have a hard time admitting that I have those feelings the majority of the time because of an instance in my childhood where I told someone I trusted and was thrown into a car and rushed to the hospital. It's a natural reaction for me. Even if I want to say something, I can't because I have a difficult time trusting others. There are so many occasions where I act like I'm happy or like everything's all right; but truthfully, I'm just putting on a facade. I have to do this at work, with my family, and with my friends. It becomes very hard to maintain after a while and is one of the reasons why I've withdrawn from everyone in my life - not just you guys.
The second reason - very closely tied to the first - is my struggle with eating disorders. I believe that I mentioned to one of you (I forget whom) that once you develop one, you're doomed for the rest of your life. Even if you don't have an ED outright, your mind becomes consumed by thoughts of food, by your weight, by how miserable you look in the mirror. It's been a roller coaster battle for me. I went from so anorexic that I'm surprised I survived to binging. I've seen counselors. I've talked to people. I've tried everything conceivable to fix myself, and nothing has worked. Aaron, I know that you're probably getting fed up with my "I can't"s by now, but this is how my mind works. I hope I'll get better. I'll certainly try. But it's going to take time, and I'm not going to bog team chat down with my dirty laundry.
Reason number three is a lot less dramatic: my usual play style simply doesn't suit the team's objectives. I understood the rules and wanted to follow them when I first joined, but - truth be told - I've always been more of a solo player. That's not to say that I don't help people out or even run a random game from time to time. But my play style is different than what you're looking for in the ideal team member. Having team mates is great, and I've loved my time in Sacred. Like I've said, you're some of the best folks that I've ever had the honors of playing with. If you'll have me, I'd be glad to join a Sacred game from time to time to help you out and to chat. But right now, it would be most beneficial to my mental health to pursue the game as the solo player that I've always been, whether in WoW, PSO, or <insert video game here>. It's difficult to explain, but sometimes I need to isolate myself for stress relief. It's just part of who I am.
With all of that said, I hope that no one takes offense to my leaving. You are a great bunch of people and I know that I'll talk to you guys in the future. Maybe I can arrange to give my guild card to some of you. Not tonight, unfortunately, as I am extremely tired and have work in the morning.
I'm sorry again, and I'll hopefully see you all around in game.
-Lauren